I think that it might be physically impossible for me to eat a low carb diet.  Sure, I could blame it on the startling amount of chocolate and delicious breads that I recently received from my in-laws and work buddies  but my mother-in-law did NOT put cinnamon streusel muffins in my cart at Kroger on Sunday and she did NOT make them for me on Sunday night. For that, I must blame myself.

Why the low carbs, you ask? According to my recent blood work my triglycerides are slightly high. (You know you’ve hit adult status when you can start a sentence with “According to my blood work.” Next up- bad hips!)  What does having high triglycerides mean? Heck if I know. One doctor explained it to me this way. She said,

“My blood is like water. It flows freely (implying like a beautiful waterfall in paradise). You (on the other hand)…have sludge-blood.”

I know it’s weird, but I was highly offended. You don’t call me “Sludge-blood” and get away with it, sister.  So I dumped her for an awesome new doctor, who also told me that I had slightly elevated triglyceride levels but in a better, cooler, funner, less insulting way.  Still a bummer.

While the old, mean doctor told me that I should eat five small meals a day (which is really practical with my job- “Alright kids, before math time, Mrs. Wise is going to have some hummus and an apple. Entertain yourselves, but stay off the ceilings this time.” Also, my wonderful teeth have been shifting towards the middle of my mouth which means for all practical purposes, I don’t actually swallow my food anymore. I just chew it and store it between my bicuspids. Having to floss five times a day is a little excessive, but it would be necessary to remove the entire walnut from between my two front teeth  every time I ate so civilized people could talk to me without staring.)

Well, that train wreck suggestion didn’t work (because I didn’t do it) so new doctor told me that I should try and eat 80 grams of carbs a day.

Now, she told me the average American eats about 300 grams of carbs a day. THIS average American probably eats 10 times that (okay, exaggerating, but still). How can I deny myself delicious jasmine rice with cheese or muffins or cereal for breakfast? How can you eat a pita pizza without the pita?

I’m not much of a meat eater. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that when I sit down at a table with a slab of steak in front of me, I can’t eat very much of it. It has to be mixed in or something. I just can’t do it.  Alex chides me for not eating enough protein, but the truth is that I just don’t enjoy protein. I don’t crave chicken like I do a good hunk of sourdough bread. People say, “Eat eggs!” But could you really eat eggs every day for breakfast? I’m just not sure.

Also, still not a big veggie fan. For the record, I am trying. I have had some major breakthroughs (love bell peppers and butternut squash soup and raw spinach salads).  But I’ve also had some major breakdowns (a coworker had me try raw cauliflower and I gagged it up in a trashcan and cried a little and I threw up a turkey wrap with spinach in it last year and had to take a hiatus from spinach for a bit). Now that we’re entering into a season where the fruits are ridiculously expensive (except for the gross ones-HA!), I’m not sure what my game plan will be.

I’ve got to think of something because I’m supposed to revisit the doc for more bloodwork in a few months to see if the low carb thing “worked”. I don’t want to go in dragging my feet because I couldn’t follow her simple instructions of “Eat less carbs.” (I secretly think that my subconscious craves whatever doctors tell me not to eat. The mean doctor told me I needed to lose weight and I immediately gained 5 pounds in the weeks afterward. Perhaps it’s the stress of living up to their expectations.)

My friend Rebekah is a super food blogger and she’s been giving me some excellent ideas for healthy options (like kale chips and spinach smoothies!) I have a low-carb cookbook waiting for me at the library. These things will help.

 But I think the crux of my problem is that I don’t have good self control when it comes to food. If there’s chocolate in the house, you might as well forget it. It will be gone in 24 hours or less- not matter if it’s one piece or 50.  It’s just kind of sad. Why can’t I walk past the potato chips at work at 11:00 in the morning without stopping for a cup of them? (That’s my new M.O.- I’m the “cup of chips” girl….but I don’t want to be!)

Hmmm. Self-control. That sounds like a spiritual principle or something.  Could it be that my voracious appetite for gossip and road rage and selfishness could be inextricably linked to my voracious appetite for the lovely carbohydrates?

Most likely.  I good thing I have a Buddy who wants to help me out with these little problems.

It is not good to eat too much honey (carbs, chocolate, deliciousness), nor is it honorable to seek one’s own honor. Like a city whose walls are broken down (or a man whose pants don’t fit) is a man who lacks self control.

Proverbs 25:27-28 (commentary added)

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin…. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Romans 6:6, 14

I can have freedom from carbs (among other things) because God gives us victory in our battles with unhealthy desires.

I know He can, but can I? haha