Dear Gracie-

The intent of this letter is to explain to you the purpose of our daily outings- i.e. when I grab the leash and wrangle it around your neck and we inevitably get wound together in your excitement to get outside. The purpose of this walk is not:

– for you to stand in one spot and sniff a square centimeter of grass for approximately 9 minutes

– for you to (pretend  like you are going to) devour the neighbor’s dog and/or child on a bicycle

– for you to snap up a discarded pizza crust that is heavy laden with ants so that you cough up live bugs inside the house for a half hour afterwards

– for you to poop on the street in front of our apartment manager

-for you to show off the “G” that my sister painted on your chest in Easter egg dye

– for you to wrench the leash out of my hand in your squirrel-chasing enthusiasm

– for you to wrench the leash out of my hand in your (much more dangerous) motorcycle-chasing enthusiasm

– for you to partake of the cat food that someone sets out for the feral cats. (Pssst- you’re not feral and you’re not a cat…so two strikes)

– for you to run inside someone’s house, either through their front door or doggie door, when I’ve trusted you enough to let you off the leash

– for you to howl at the sirens on 635

It’s quite simple, really. We go on walks so that you will empty your bowels in an acceptable location in an effecient manner, instead of on the carpet when my back is turned. Please get it together, sister.

XO,

Beth