The local library had an amazing children’s program with live birds scheduled at 2:00 today. I’ve been talking it up all week.

1:40pm– The kid and I had gone to the dog park this morning and his shoes were dirty. So, he and Alex were out on the driveway smacking them on the concrete to get the dirt off and I went outside to water the plants, closing the door behind me.

1:46pm– Unfortunately, we discovered that the door had locked behind me.

Three of us. Outside. No phones. The kid had shoes (dirty ones that he didn’t want to put on) and I had muddy flip flops. Alex was barefoot.

Our house is a fortress. All doors were locked. All windows were locked.

1:48pm– So, we decided to walk to the church across the street and see if we could use their phone to call a locksmith. Alex is barefoot. It’s like that picture of the Beatles, but less hipster, more hobo.

1:50pm– We had to ring a little doorbell thing and the lovely church secretary came to the door. I would like you to picture what she is looking at.

Two homeless high school students (one wearing an “oboe power” t-shirt with dried cheese on it and the other barefoot) with a kid who is wearing a tucked-in, buttoned up shirt with slightly dirty shoes. Saying that they’ve been “locked out of their house” and they “need to use the phone”.

She let us into the office and pointed us to a phone, which we just looked at because, we don’t have our smartphones and when I dialed “0”, it gave me an option to get an insurance quote.

We glanced at each other with panic; at this point, the kid is sad we’re going to miss the library show.

I lean down and whisper to him fiercely, “I will get you to that show.”

I didn’t say, “with God as my witness” but imagine it with the same depth of emotion.

1:52pm– The secretary comes back in to check on us and we look at her like poor, lost souls. She volunteers to look up some numbers for us. I start scouting around the office to find someone who could take us to the library without murdering us. Luckily, there are some laid back, hippie youth group people who have keys in their hand like they’re leaving.

So, I stand in their way and say, “Excuse me. We were on our way to the library for a show and we got locked out of the house. Would it be possible to catch a ride with you to the library?” The youthy guy says, “Sure. We’re leaving right now. Is that okay?” I said, “It’s great. Let’s ride.” In my head, I’m thinking, I am my mother.

1:54pm- We’ve left barefoot Alex to fend for himself with the lovely church secretary and the kid and I have loaded up in the back of the 12 passenger youth, Church of Christ van. Kid is still not wanting to wear his dirty shoes. Also, he is starving. I have nothing. No keys. No phone. No wallet. No granola bars.

Youthy guy and I chatted about his time in the ministry and his college years.

1:59pm- We got to the parking lot and the kid and I jump out of this massive 12 passenger van. The kid is still bothered by his dirty shoes and so I offered up the suggestion that he clean them with a wet paper towel in the bathroom.

2:01pm- We made it down to the library basement, where there is a line of other kids waiting to get in to the show. We weren’t sure how the whole thing worked so I extracted a, “Yes, it’s okay for you to stay in the room with me” from the kid while we were waiting in line.

2:04pm-  However, when we checked him in, the librarian told me that parents couldn’t go in.

{Seriously, I probably have a reputation at that library. They’re all like, “Watch out for that weird girl. She just lurks in the shelves of the children and teen sections.” }

So, I grabbed the kid and said, “I can’t stay here with you but I will be in the building.” He seemed okay so I walked out of the room.

2:05pm– On my way out, I grabbed the librarian and went all tiger mom and said, “This is the first time I’ve ever left my son alone. If you need me, I’ll be on the computers on the second floor. COME GET ME.” She looked cowed and shook her head adamantly that she would come get me if he needed me.

2:06pm- Ironically, despite having the worst memory ever, I was able to remember my library card number (remember- no wallet!) so I could log on to the internet.

2:10pm– I sent Alex a frantic facebook message with the “plan” since neither of us have phones at this point and how does the world function without cellphones? PS- The Master Plan was, “I guess we’ll wait for you on the couch downstairs when the kid is finished.”

2:57pm– Alex scared the hell out of me on the second floor of the library by sneaking up behind me. We now had keys and a car and phones.

3:12pm- We go down to the basement to get the kid. He is ravenous and just wants to eat.

3:27pm– Adventure is over. We celebrated at Sonic with fatty food and corn syrup.

Now, we’re having picnic and a movie night.