As is the case with most weird things, when I first heard about Neti-Pots, I freaked out and laugh-cried and then went out and bought one. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Neti Pots, it’s a plastic tea kettle that you fill with a warm saline solution that you pour into your sinuses.

That’s not normal.

The idea is to clean all of the allergens out of your sinuses with a gentle flush. It works quite well. It’s a nice break from blowing your nose every 10 minutes and it helps with noses that are tired of being irritated by Kleenex. I like to use them because I don’t have to take allergy medicine.

It’s usefulness aside, this is one weird way to cure your allergy woes. If aliens ever came to visit our planet, I’m almost positive that neti pots would be in their top 10 reasons to annihilate these bizarre humans.

Doing a neti pot is not regal. I will tell you that I doubt Kate Middleton does neti pots. If you get the angle of your head wrong, you end up with a mouth full of salt water and generally coughing and snotting all over your bathroom. If you’re fortunate enough to get it right, then you have, well, water flowing in one side of your nose and coming out the other, which will never be dignified or sexy.

Using a neti pot can be tricky. Firstly, don’t use tap water. In 2011, there was this big hullaballoo about two deaths that had been caused by brain eating amoebas (I’m not making this up) and the company that manufactures the neti pots came out and said, “DON’T USE TAP WATER. It’s in the instructions.” Well, Neti Pot company, I’m sure it is in the instructions, but joke’s on you, because Americans don’t read instructions. If they really wanted people to know that, they would have wrapped the neti pot in that impossible-to-open shrink wrapped plastic emblazoned with skull and crossbones saying, “DON’T USE THE TAP”. Anyway, they recommend using distilled or boiled water (that has cooled down) but I use it from my Brita filter and I’ve yet to acquire a brain-eating life form.

The temperature of the water can be tricky. I put my little pot in the microwave for about a minute. It should be warm, but not scalding. Apparently the lining of your sinuses is “very fragile” or something and you don’t want to irrigate it with boiling water. If you’re unsure, err on the side of lukewarm. Also, don’t forget to add the saline solution or you’ll have a very bad experience.

Lastly, I can’t really tell you how to tilt your head correctly. I’ve tried several times to coach Alex through the process and he always ends up with a lung full of water. Perhaps you can locate an instructional video online.

I’ve been so pleased with the allergy fighting abilities of this little apparatus that I’ve written a jingle for it. We’ve been singing it for about two years, but it’s time to unveil it to the public. Alex and I sat down and recorded it last night. It only took us about 25 takes, which did not get annoying at all. The final version still isn’t perfect, but we were tired of playing. Also, I would like to note that I’m actually not bad at the ukulele, this song just requires some wicked fingering when I change from Dminor to G so it got a little ugly-sounding. Also, it’s not in B minor. I just thought that sounded funny.

Without further ado, I present the world premiere of

The Neti Pot Song

Come on, Neti Neti

Clean my nose

Clean my nose like a garden hose

Come on, Neti Neti

Little pot

Come on baby clean my snot

*All Rights Reserved. These lyrics are my intellectual property.