As a child in Big Spring, Burger King was affectionately referred to as “Booger King” and to this day, I still pronounces Crayons “crowns”. I’m waiting for the day when I ask someone for some crayons and I get a fistful of tiaras. I (maybe my sister- I don’t remember) used to call bathing suits “babing suits,” which is about right, considering the selection on today’s market.

I’ve been searching for a cool, flattering, one piece bathing suit and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  All I want is a one piece that isn’t old-lady floral, doesn’t have a skirt, and can be found outside the maternity department for a reasonable price. Apparently, that’s too much to ask.

Historically, my luck with bathing suits has been pretty grim. When I was in fifth grade, I bought a cool silver bathing suit. Or at least I thought it was cool until I wore it to the pool for the first time and my mom told me it was see-through. Not so cool.

Why a one-piece? Here are a few reasons for my modest search:

1)      Modest is hottest. I don’t want my husband looking at anyone else’s boobs and I think he probably doesn’t want anyone else looking at mine.

2)      You can have more fun when you aren’t worried about things popping out of your bathing suit.

3)      I prefer to save a tasty view of my flab for my husband’s eyes only.  Way too many people wear bikinis when they shouldn’t and I don’t want to join their ranks.

4)      I JUST WANT TO SWIM.

I have nothing against tankinis either, but socially, they’re in the same “lame-o” category as one pieces. If I did water parks, I would switch my main search to a tankini because wet one-piece + water park+ diarrhea= big disaster.

But store after store, there’s nothing. Everything is stringy and miniature or if it is a “one-piece”, it has a ginormous slit that goes down to your belly button and the rest is held together with safety pins.

I ask you, where have all the good bathing suits gone?