Alex: I haven’t seen Pamela today at all. I haven’t seen her all day.
Beth: Did you check the bushes?
A: Yeah. The bushes, the nesting box. Unless she’s hiding behind the shed, I think a cat must have gotten her or something.
B: Okay, just wait. Let me check. Sometimes they’re hiding….Hmmm. She’s not in here.
A: Where else could she be? Oh…let me check the shed.
(Alex goes to get keys to shed)
A: We mowed today and The Kid just stuck the mower back in here and I came and locked it up. She might have… (keys jingle in lock) Oh. Oh no.
B: WHAT? IS SHE DEAD?
A: Oh, Beth. Yes, she’s dead. She’s dead!
B: Oh my. Oh my. I can’t believe she’s dead. How traumatic. What are we going to tell The Kid?
A: Are you okay? Are you okay? This is all my fault. I should have checked.
B: No. It’s no one’s fault. Any one of us would have neglected to check. Where should we put her? Do we need a box?
A: Nope. There’s a box over there. Oh look, she laid an egg in here.
B: (bursts into tears)
(Beth and Alex emerge on the back porch with a beard trimmer, a wet towel, and Beth laughing uproariously at Alex’s bad haircut)
Alex: Look. It’s uneven on the sides. You just need to shave the left side down and then blend the sides into the top.
Beth: It looks like a mullet- like a shaved mullet. It’s really bad.
A: I know it’s really bad that’s why we’re going to fix it. Okay? I need your help.
B: Okay, we need a gentlemen’s agreement here. I cannot be held responsible for what happens to your already bad haircut in the next 10 minutes.
A: I will not hold you responsible. We can’t make it worse.
B: Okay. Let me just try to even this up. (buzzes the sides of Alex’s head) That part looks better but there’s still this really weird flap here. It looks like she just buzzed the sides of your head and left the top alone. It goes from buzzed to long with no transition. It’s…really strange.
(Beth dissolves into fits of giggles)
A: The laughing isn’t helping. It can’t be that bad. Look, just take this comb and “blend” it. It’s really easy. You want me to get some scissors?
B: NO! I do not want scissors. At least there’s a guard between me and your head with this. Okay. I’m going to try to fix the weird flap thing. Here goes.
(Beth spends a minute using a comb and the trimmers to shave some hair off. She steps back and takes a good long look.)
A: How does it look?
B: You know the brother in Home Alone- what’s his name?
B: Yes, exactly. You look like Buzz (starts to laugh cry, howling with laughter)
(Alex is seen the next morning as the first person in line at the nearest hair salon)
**This post is dedicated to the memory of Pamela the Chicken. Please keep her friends, Millie, Checkers, Cheesestick, and JigglyPuff in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.